By Roger Carswell

I am not a doctor, psychologist or psychiatrist, but I have been a patient. What I share is simply one person’s journey with depression, but I do not pretend to a medical expert or to understand the workings of the mind. However, like every other individual, including medical workers themselves, I battle against human frailty of one sort or another. For some people that may mean the limitation of physical weakness, for others it can be emotional or mental hurdles that may seem insurmountable. We are each bound up in the bundle of life, and from God need the strength to cope with the challenges and difficulties of life. We can prove the truth of God’s promise that His grace is sufficient for us in and His power made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12 v. 9)

I understand depression to be when the inward mental and emotional structure that normally is intrinsic to our human existence, weakens, crumbles or becomes distorted. There are some people who because of their personality are more prone to depression, such as melancholics. Others are not given to this problem, always feeling good and positive about life. Though, depression can affect anyone and happen at any time. Types of depression vary from mild mood changes, to clinical depression or manic depression, with its “ups” and its “downs”. Depression can be triggered by a crisis such as death, divorce, redundancy or deep disappointment, or depression can develop in the mind of someone who otherwise appears to be well and in control of life. When I have been depressed it is hard to remember what it feels like to be well, and when I am well, it is difficult to recall just how it felt to be sick. I know that there are no glib remedies.

What I have been through is a common enough experience, and though it has been terrible, I am aware of many who have much more serious times of suffering. Charles Spurgeon suffered depression after seven people died in a stampede when someone cried out ‘fire’ in one of his crowded worship services. William Cowper, who suffered from manic depression, attempted suicide for the third time the day after he wrote the hymn “God moves in a mysterious way”. Elijah, Jeremiah, David and Job were familiar with the struggles of depression. Psychiatrist Gaius Davies has written very helpfully about the struggles of some of the Church’s leaders, in his book ‘Genius, grief and grace’.

Personal Experience

Converted at the age of fifteen, I have always regarded myself as a fairly cheerful and at times, mischievous character. However, I recall talking with a pastor concerning depression when I was just 16, and busily involved in the Lord’s work on a beach mission in the sunny summer. Clearly, there has been an issue with depression within me for a long time. I am drawn to melancholic music, books and paintings. As well, from teenage years, I have been an intermittent insomniac, who works late nights, but then finds it difficult to sleep. I love my work as an evangelist, and can be a workaholic. I don’t find it easy to “switch off” or rest, and rarely have a break. And then, speaking personally, I can be a sensitive soul who feels deeply for the hurts of others, and it is not easy to shake off the thoughts of what others are suffering. I take these things to heart, and they remain there gnawing away at me.

Some years ago, I began to find certain aspects of my work overwhelming. Every ‘phone call, and we have three lines coming into our home, seemed too much for me; it became increasingly hard for me to stay in other people’s homes when away on missions. I couldn’t cope with inconsequential chatter, or even the laughter of others. I became annoyed even when people asked me to preach somewhere (which, of course, is my life’s work!) wishing people would just leave me alone. I was walking an emotional tightrope, and finding myself easily falling off and plunging into the safety net of tears and sobbing, yet I couldn’t put a finger on the reason why. Depression robs us of self-confidence, which is needed in evangelism, though, of course, our confidence ultimately is in God.

I searched my own heart to see if there was any sin to which I was clinging that was coming between the Lord and me. I know the truth of the old hymn

‘Trust and obey,

For there’s no other way

To be happy in Jesus,

But to trust and obey.’

However, I didn’t feel at all happy, and therefore had to consider if sin was spoiling my relationship with God, and that is why I was feeling as I was. Whilst not claiming to be sinless, I sincerely believed that all my sins were “under the blood” and that there was nothing hindering my relationship with the Lord. Jesus had died paying the penalty of my wrong doing, and I was trusting in the crucified, now risen Christ as my Lord and Saviour. I loved Him with all my heart and longed to see others coming to a saving faith in Jesus, too.

A doctor friend talked with me, and advised me to take a Sabbatical, and so I set about cancelling various future appointments to give myself a four-month break. (Looking back, that period became sick leave rather than a Sabbatical). By the time that the four-month period had arrived, my state of mind had deteriorated. I was beginning to sink into a depth of great, inward darkness. I did not want to talk with anyone. I continued to regularly have my devotions and go to church, but avoided meeting with people at the end of the service.

My mind was telling me things that were not true. The depression affected my perception of things, so that I had a distorted point of view. For some time, I had thought I would collapse whilst preaching in the pulpit. I believed nobody cared whether I lived or died. I went to bed each evening hoping I would die in the night, and woke up the next day feeling I could not face the hours ahead. However, I never doubted God, even in my lowest moments. I was convinced that God was in control of all that was going on, and that He would not waste any experience I was having. I am aware that others struggle with doubts, which compound their suffering.

As well as talking with my very understanding G.P., I went to a psychologist, who felt that if I could learn to breathe more slowly and take life more gently I would be better. My G.P. was keen for me see a Counsellor, but I did not want to talk to anyone else. To suffer alone was itself too much for me, without the added burden of speaking to someone I did not know. Every conversation added to the inward pain and hurt, and I felt that any meaningful explanation of the complexities of my mind and life would demand of me more than I felt able to give.

Many people wrote or sent cards assuring me of their prayers, each of which was appreciated. Two friends in particular, wrote at length, and one (helpfully) insisted on visiting me. Both assured me that I would eventually come through the depression. Although I felt there was no future, the fact that two people wrote the same thing, giving a more positive view of the future was very encouraging. I had yet to learn that today is not forever. I have repeatedly read those letters and they have proved to be a repeated source of encouragement. I remember how on one occasion my son simply put his arm around me when he found me crying in my study. It was a moment of great comfort to me. Being hugged is part of being healed.

There were other Christians who hurt with their glib comments, such as “Snap out of it” (I would have given my right arm to have been able to do that!), or “Been there, done that”. Each one hurt, but no doubt they meant well. For me their comments led to more tears. God never spoke to my heart through them, or in that way.

Suicide?

As a result of depression being about a loss of well being, thoughts of dying dominated my mind. All human beings think about death at times, but now there was a craving for death. I knew that suicide is always wrong; it is not natural and does not glorify the Lord. It is a breaking of God’s commandment, for God who is the giver of life says we are not to take life, even our own; it is self-murder. As well, it transfers the pain to the innocent family members who are left. I knew also, that it is not the unforgivable sin, and at one particularly low time, I meticulously planned my “accidental death”. I didn’t want to cause God’s enemies to blaspheme His name, so I planned a suicide that I was sure would be recorded as accidental death. I cannot tell you how near I was to taking my own life, but refrained from doing so, because I felt it would scar the life of my wife and four children until their dying day. Perversely, minutes before the dreadful moment of “death”, I was sharing the gospel with an unsaved man and longing that he should trust Christ as Lord and Saviour, whilst at the same time intending to take my life.

One of the Christian friends who wrote to me, firmly grasped the nettle regarding my thoughts of suicide. In his letter, he explained how depression can really be anger turned inwards, and so becomes self-destructive. Of course, there are instances in Scripture that can illustrate this, e.g. Judas was angry with himself for what he had done in betraying Jesus, found no solace in seeking to return the money he had made, and so went out and took his own life. If anger is related to the depression, then we must ask ourselves with whom are we angry? It could be a person, group, God, ourselves or the situation in which we find ourselves. Anger and prayer do not go together, for we read “Lifting up holy hands without anger”. Therefore, before God, we have to deal with our anger and be totally honest about how we feel.

The Book of Psalms was a great blessing to me. Repeatedly I found that the psalmist had experienced just what I was feeling. In fact we find the Psalmist speaking to himself and reminding his inner-most being of God’s blessings in the past and promises for the future. Psalms 42 and 43 are good examples of this, but there are many other examples where the Psalmist imaginatively describes his troubles as waves of sorrow which were overtaking him. In the Psalms we read of anger, disappointment, frustrations, the sense of being let down, joy, relief, wonderment, etc. The exercise of stepping outside ourselves and posing a question to oneself is not easy, but is biblical and can be rewarding and helpful. When times are very dark, it is good to be able to assure oneself that “God is going to get me through this”, and with His help I will glorify Him in it.

Although basically I don’t drink alcohol, I wanted to get drunk. I thought that if I was drunk, at least for an evening I would not feel the tangible, emotional pain that was within. That pain is just as real as tooth ache. It makes darkness more preferable to light. As a friend of mine wrote to me, “It gives the impression that ‘the sun is laughing at you.’” This pain can deprive us of pleasures that we formerly took for granted. Time and again I have empathised with the last words of Vincent Van Gogh, “La tristesse durea” which means “The sadness will never go away.”

With the passage of many months I was beginning to recover, though still feeling pained. Throughout the time I had been working on the manuscript of a book, but now I was preaching again, but still struggling. Whilst having a meal with a pastor during an evangelistic mission, I again began to cry. He recommended that I go to see Dr. Gaius Davies a Christian psychiatrist in London. I remember so clearly the psychiatrist saying that I was sick, but that he could help me. This promise of help, was very sweet to me. I had already tried three different types of drugs, two of which proved of no help, and one of which did strange things to my mind, and foolishly I abruptly stopped taking it. That caused further traumas to my mind. He put me on an older type of drug, and gradually this seemed to work as it drew me out of my depression. As a Christian, I am sure it is not at all wrong to be on medication. The fall has wrecked our beings, and we can be affected physically and mentally. As I would not hesitate to take medication if I was physically sick, so I was relaxed to take medication for my mind. There are though, side effects to drugs, and I found this. However, they were preferable to the pain I had been experiencing.

Martin Luther said that the anti-dote to depression is muck spreading! Certainly physical activity is very helpful to restoration. Some have found that setting themselves small achievable objectives, which become slowly but successively more challenging, very helpful. Even apparently insignificant tasks help. The worst thing is to stay indoors and naval gaze. Spending a little money on oneself can be of help. Having said that, I am not sure I did any of these things!

Eventually…slowly… erratically…I came out of that dreadful bout of depression. I still need to learn to be patient with myself, try to understand what was happening to me, as recovery is very gradual.

Suffering and glory

I am aware that, as we read in 1 Peter and elsewhere in the Bible, suffering and glory both characterise the Christian life. We like to think that if there is suffering there will be no glory, or vice versa, but both are promised in the Christian life. The Christian is not immune from normal sicknesses. We can be sure that God’s grace is sufficient for us in every situation, and He is well able to heal, if that is His purpose. God never wastes any tears. He never wastes any pain. So, what have I learnt through this period?

I learnt afresh to trust God in the darkness. Because my mind was telling me things that were not true, I sought to speak to my innermost being and remind myself of “true truth”. This is what the Psalmist does in Psalm 42. For example, in verse 5 we read, “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God.” The Psalmist spoke truth to his soul, and questioned its disturbed state. I had to remind myself of God’s love toward me, of how He has blessed and helped in the past, and of what He promises in the future. It was good to know that Jesus, who Himself was called “the Man of Sorrows”, cared and could cope.

In Isaiah 45 v 3 we read that God says: “I will give you the treasure of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” In the darkness and despair of depression, as I felt I was sinking ever deeper, God gave treasures. I experienced God’s love and tender, therapeutic care. I am certainly aware of my own vulnerability in a way I had not recognised before, and I believe I have a more compassionate view towards those who suffer mental illness. Before I was quite dispassionate towards mental weakness. Don’t we all need to learn to have Christ-like compassion to those whose physical and mental strength has collapsed? There is no stigma in having mental illness such as depression. There is no blame attached, just as there is none to someone suffering from ‘flu or T.B.

I am aware that depression could recur for me. Frankly, I would fear it happening and would not wish the inward darkness on anyone, but I am also aware that God works all things together for my good and His glory. He is God and is in control, and though the “inward man may perish” God can renew and keep me.

Days of darkness still may meet me

Sorrow’s path I oft may treat;

But His presence still is with me,

By His guiding hand I’m led.